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Sunday, January 06, 2008

Practical Parenting

Interesting debate raging about parenting on the blogs of Andrew Collins and Clair Woodward, both triggered by media depictions of apparent trends in modern parenting.
My offspring are mainly in their twenties now and I know that if I had to start again tomorrow I wouldn't be any the wiser. Most parents try to impose behavioural standards and pass on values but it's really, really hard and there's never any sign that you're getting anywhere. (My Dad taught me to drive and I would pretend to be ignoring everything he said. Forty years later I can remember every word.)
The wisest thing I ever read about parenting was by the late, lamented Martyn Harris in New Society. He said something like "having a child is like possessing something more completely than you can ever possess anything and then losing it more utterly than you can ever lose anything. Nagging is the index of loss."
So parents today nag because there's nothing else they can do. My parents used to nag but there was always the chance that the nagging would reach a climax at which point a sanction would be applied, sometimes physically. (And no, I don't resent it.) The balance of power has changed since then. A friend of mine realised this when at the age of 14 he was having an animated argument with his father, rose from his chair to emphasise a point and noticed his old man was cowering, saying "don't hit me!" The challenge of modern parenting is that when push comes to shove you have no shove. And I don't know many experienced parents who could go on TV and keep a straight face while they passed on to others their advice on how to go about it.
In fact, if we're in the market for a swift, at-a-stroke radical improvement in the behaviour, health, politeness and educational standards of our young people, can I venture to suggest that it starts with doing something with the box in the corner as opposed to watching it?
When mine were younger I used to regularly take the plug off the TV. Friends used to react as if I'd turned into Wackford Squeers. It was the only weapon I had.

4 comments:

Clair said...

Thank you for mentioning Martyn Harris, one of my favourite journalists ever. I'm sticking my non-parental oar in again, and saying that your parenting offers a consequence. From what I've seen, too many children are allowed to behave exactly as they want, with no consequence, as their parents fear their offspring not liking them any more. I bet the mere sight of a screwdriver has the junior Hepworths feeling a tad uneasy. Turning off the telly is a great idea; I don't think mobile phones are very helpful, either, as even teenage grunting has become silenced by ridiculous text messaging :-(

Andrew Collins said...

I have been at family gatherings where the kids all have an electronic device in their hands, be it a games console or a mobile phone. They are all looking down. They are all engrossed in something that takes them "out of the room." This would have been considered the height of rudeness in mixed company when I was young. But who's going to tell them to put the devices down, when the parents are also fiddling with their mobiles?

Simon said...

Behavioural standards are one thing, but manners are another. I make no claims to be the world's greatest parent by any means, but my kids don't get anything unless they say please and thank you. I was quite shocked when friends of ours stayed recently and as child says "I want some crisps", parent pootles off to kitchen to get a packet of crisps. I fear this may not be the only family where this happens.

aldrin james said...

I am a new dad and I am looking for parenting ways that are effective and easy to do. I am thinking of practical parenting. I think it is the perfect parenting for my family.

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