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Thursday, March 05, 2009

Ronaldo: a face only a mother could love

Manchester United's Cristiano Ronaldo and Newcastle's Steven Taylor had one of those bust-ups in the tunnel last night. According to Five Live it went like this:
Ronaldo: You're a terrible player.
Taylor: You're very ugly.
I love this. Obviously Taylor must have briefly entertained the idea of shooting back with "so are you" or "my dad's a policeman" but something told him that the reference to Ronaldo's "face of Crimewatch" physical appearance might just hit him where he lives.
I like to think that had it been me I would have had the presence of mind to say "I shall pass over your physical appearance. Suffice to say that you, sir, are a very talented but remarkably charmless individual that even hardcore Manchester United fans find curiously difficult to love".

15 comments:

Archie Valparaiso said...

Hardcore Manchester United fans are very fickle about which very talented but remarkably charmless individuals are worthy of their love.

We - yes, I'm afraid I was brought up as one and it's impossible to shake off; God knows, I've tried - apply a strange unpindownable concept called "the Proper United Player" ("PUP"). Obviously, in order to be a PUP it helps to come up through the youth teams and then spend your entire career at Old Trafford, but it's certainly not a pre-requisite - viewed objectively (well, I can try), Denis Law was as much a mercenary as any present-day Brazilian, yet he remains the King of the Stretford end for those who ever saw him grab his cuff and thrust his fist in the air. And his successor, Eric Cantona, had even played for - spit - Leeds.

Nor are PUPs necessarily even the best players in their position. If you asked a hardcore United fan to name his fantasy all-time United XI, when it came to choosing whether it should be Beckham or Ronaldo on the wing (Giggs goes without saying), there's a good chance he'd answer, "Neither. Lee Sharpe."

Ronaldo is a brat; a PUP is something else entirely.

Bright Ambassador said...

For a minute there I misread that as Steven Tyler and wondered why the Argos Mick Jagger was at St. James's Park last night.

The Mothers of Inspection said...

'Madam, I can improve my game through committed training - but you will always be ugly...'

michael50/50 said...

Does that make Bobby Gillespie the Primark Mick Jagger then?

BLTP said...

top ten smackable sporting faces?
schumacher got to be on anyone's list, ronaldo of course who else?

Andre Carlos Raposa said...

"Face of Crimewatch" - you've nailed it. It'd been nagging me for ages.

Bright Ambassador said...

Nah, Bobby Gillespie's the Poundland Mick Jagger.

Douglas said...

Being a fully paid up heterosexualist I'm no expert on these matters but I must admit it's the first time I've seen Ronaldo referred to as ugly. Hasn't he had an arty B&W book of photos done, a la Beckham?

londonlee said...

I often wonder about some footballers appearance sometimes. Like, why does John Terry's hair look like his mum cuts it and why does Gareth Southgate have such awful teeth when both of them have more than enough money to sort that out properly?

dolly said...

dentists are scary

The Mothers of Inspection said...

Have to agree with Londonlee regarding JT's haircut. I bet he pays over £200 for it as well.

Mine's mile's better and cost 6 quid from Mr Topper.

simbn said...

Prefer your version. Think I favour oblique comebacks that place a question mark in an eejit's head. To Ronaldo I'd only want to say, "Tevez is your best player" simply because I'm sure it's true and trust it would therefore keep worming away until one day Ronaldo was changed for the better. (Want to say the same thing to Sir AF - don't see much football but from first sighting Tevez in the World Cup I thought, he's good. Seems to be constantly overlooked).

Gary said...

Even tho' I'm a season ticket holder at St James' and habitually find myself defending the defenceless, I have to admit to agreeing with the Portugese poseur on this occasion. Taylor is rubbish but it did warm the cockles on a chilly north east night with his clumsy fore arm smash across that so-called ugly mug.

info said...

I think you are spot on here in that Ronaldo loves his "looks" and that is the one tihng you could say that would really get to him. Having said that not sure if ST was smart enough to have done that on purpose!

Robert Shaw said...

A minor quibble, but I'm certain that the expression in question is "face *off* Crimewatch", the unexpurgated version being "Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch" - or BOBFOC for short.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=BOBFOC